www.UpTheDeise.com, The Waterford People's Website!
WARNING: Some of these jokes are slightly rude, so don't come bawlin' to me saying I didn't warn ye!
A Waterford pilgrim (whose name has been lost through time) was travelling through the holy land circa 33AD after many adventures and misadventures it just so happened he ended up in Jerusalem on the night before our Lord was crucified. Tired and hungry from all his travels he came upon an Inn where a small feast was taking place being a stranger and with scarcely a few shekels to his name he decided to gate crash the party and hid behind a curtain while the bread was being divided, craftily he slid one hand out from his hiding place and and grabbed a piece of bread. Peter one of the guests (he wasn't a saint yet) saw him and grabbed his hand and with an almighty roar declared "THAT'S BLASPHEMY" to which the Déise boy responded "go way out of it boy that "BLAAS FER ME" and ran from the room with the sacred bread wrapped up in his blue and white shirt on returning to his native deise he did his best to reproduce that bread and the closest thing he got to was todays famous Waterford BLAA and thats the truth!!!
Two boys are playing hurling in the people's park, when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hurl, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.
A local newspaper reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Waterford Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Waterford fan," the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in Waterford, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again.
"Little Wexford Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he continued writing in his notebook.
"I'm not a Wexford fan either," the boy said.
"I assumed you were a Wexford fan given your friend is wearing a Wexford Jersey, What team do you support?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Kilkenny fan." the child said smiling.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
"Little Kilkenny Rogue Kills Beloved Family Pet."
Man, "My dog watches all the Tipperary games on TV. Everytime they lose, he lies down and cries his eyes out."
Friend, "That's incredible. What does he do when they win?"
Man, "I don't know, I'll let you know when it actually happens."
A hurling fan is caught speeding on a motorway and when pulled over is asked to take a breathaliser test, he refuses and shows the officer a card with "asthmatic, no breath tests allowed", so the officer asks him for a blood test and once again, the man shows a card saying "diabetic, no blood tests allowed. Then, the officer tells him to take a urine test and the man pulls out a card sying "Cork Langer, don't take the p*#s!!!"
Q: How do you make a Kilkenny fan run?
A: Build a job centre
Q: What would you get if Kilkenny were knocked out of the championship?
A: 199 more Waterford fans
Q: How does DJ Carey change a lightbulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him.
Q: What's the difference between DJ Carey and God?
A: God doesn't think he's DJ.
Q: What's the difference between a Langer and a bucket of poo?
A: The bucket...
DJ Carey was caught for speeding on his way to Croke Park today.
"I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned
Q: What do Haemhorroids and Cork Fans have in common?
A: They're both a complete pain in the hole and never seem to go away completely
Q: What's the difference between an Clare fan and a Chimp?
A: Ones hairy, stupid and smells, and the other is a chimpanzee.
Q. What's the difference between a Clare fan and a coconut?
A. One's thick and hairy, and the other's a tropical fruit.
Q: How many Galway fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Yeah, as if they have electricity in Galway...
Q: What do you say to a Wexford supporter with a good looking bird on his arm?
A: Nice tattoo
Q: What do you say to a Dublin fan with a job?
A: Can I have a battered sausage and a chip please!
Q. What's the difference between the Cork Hurling Team and the Ryder Cup
Team?
A. There's only one Langer in the Ryder Cup Team
Q.
What do you have when 100 Kilkenny fans are buried up to their neck in
sand?
A. Not enough sand (Sorry, I am incorrect here, I don't think there are
100 Kilkenny fans).
Q. What do Wexford fans use for birth control?
A.
Their personalities.
Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a
rattlesnake, and a Limerick fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should
you do?
A. Shoot the Limerick fan - twice.
Q.
What does the Kerry hurling team and Mike Tyson have in common?
A. They're
both out after round one.
Q.
What do you call a Kilkenny man in Kilkenny on a Monday morning?
A.
Unemployed.
Q. What's the difference between the Offaly goalie and Pamela Anderson?
A. Pamela Anderson's only got two t*ts in front of her.
Q. What is the best thing to ever come out of Kilkenny?
A. The road to Waterford (to Waterford people this is the worst thing as not
only does it give Kilkenny people access to our beautiful paradise, it also
costs Waterford people 146 Billion Euro a year in damages to shock absorbers).
A fanatical Clare supporter was walking his scabby little mangy diseased dog
on the Monday after the defeat by Waterford. As he strolled along the beach full
of despondancy, he saw a bottle which was quite unusual lying on the strand. He
poked the bottle with his toe and low and behold out pops a genie.
'Your
wish is my command,' said the Genie.
Startled, the Clare fan said, 'I wish
this scabby little mangy diseased dog of mine be turned into a greyhound that
would win The Laurels and The Derby.'
The genie took one look at the mangy
little mongrel that was on its last legs and shakes his head, saying, 'That
would be very difficult. Is there any other wish you have?'
The Clare
supporter thought and his eyes lit up for an instant... 'I wish that Clare will
win another 'All-Ireland' in the near future!!!'
The genie looked a bit
taken aback for an instant. He then rubbed his beard and said...
'Would you
ever give me a second look at that dog?'
Primary school in Kilkenny, September 2001
An unnamed teacher said to her class, 'Hands up who supports Kilkenny?' All the kids shouted 'Kilkenny and Up The Cats' whilst throwing their hands in the air with hasty abandon, except for one little girl sitting in the corner who kept her hands by her sides. The Teacher asked her, 'Mary, who do you support?' Mary Replied, 'Waterford of course because my mammy and daddy do too.' The teacher, obviously annoyed with this said, 'Mary, if your mother was a protstitute and your father was a robber, what would you be then?' Mary sat back and thought for a moment, then smiled wryly and said,
'A Limerick Fan'
The class erupted.
Last August weekend Spraoi opened on Friday night despite heavy rain. On Saturday morning the sun shone clear from the heavens. The sproai organiser, asked on WLR if he was anxious about the weather, said: "Ah no. I've had a message from God. Last night's rain was a mistake. He got the date wrong. It was actually the Kilkenny Arts Festival he wanted to p*#s on."
Thu, 08 July 2004 13:11
Madam,
I was visiting your beautiful country when my country, Greece,
fought its way into the European cup final by bravely defeating the favoured
Czech Republic. On the following day, Friday, July 2nd, I travelled from Cork to
Rosslare.
Imagine my surprise and delight to find that almost the entire route especially between the towns of Youghal and New Ross - was gloriously festooned with the blue and white colours of Greece!
Such overwhelming support of one small country for another brought tears of joy to my eyes. I wish to express my heartfelt gratitude to the Irish people for making this Greek feel so at home at such an important time for his country. - Yours, etc.,
MANOLIS ANDROPOULOS, Athens, Greece.
(Waterford were playing in the Munster final that weekend!)
The reporter asked one man if he was disappointed that England had
lost.
The man replied, "Not at all, I'm Irish, I'm from
Waterford".
The reporter then asked, "But would you not support England
when Ireland are not in the competition?"
The man replied "Jaysus no
way".
Reporter: "Why not?"
Man: "800 years of oppression!!"
Reporter:
"Is there ever any time you would support England?"
Man: "Maybe if they were
playing Kilkenny!!!"
The reporter handed back to the studio with a
puzzled look on his face.
He just didn't seem to get it
1. 'Babs Keating was arrested in Nenagh for shaking a cigarette machine,but the gardai let him off when he said he only wanted to borrow twenty players' - Waterford fan after 2002 Munster final
2. I love Cork so much that if I caught one of their hurlers in bed with my missus, I'd tiptoe downstairs and make him a cup of tea"- Joe Lynch, actor.
3. "The toughest match I ever heard off was the 1935 All-Ireland Semi-Final. After 6 minutes, the ball ricocheted off a post and went into the stand. The pulling continued relentlessly and it was 22 minutes before any of the players noticed the ball was missing" - Michael Smith.
4. "Sylvie Linnane would start a riot in a graveyard" -- Tipp fan on the Galway legend.
5. "I'm not giving away any secrets like that to Tipperary. If I had my way, I wouldn't even tell them the time of the throw-in" - Ger Loughnane.
6. "He's like Lazarus; but Lazarus didn't have such a sweet right boot" -- Micheal O'Muircheartaigh on Colin Corkery.
7. "Whenever a team loses, there's always a row at half time but when they win, it's an inspirational speech" -- John O'Mahony.
8. "There are 2 things in Ireland that would drive you to drink. GAA referees would drive you to drink, and the price of drink would drive you to drink" -- Sligo Fan after 2002 Connact final.
9. "The wheel fell off my mobile home" -- Offaly's Eugene McGee explains why he was late for training.
10. "When my friends were besotted with Jason Donovan, my heroes were Colm O'Rourke and Barney Rock" -- Sue Ramsbottom (Laois Ladies Captain).
11. 'We're taking this match awful seriously. We're training three times a
week now, and some of the boys are off the beer since Tuesday' -
Offaly
hurler quote in the week before a Leinster hurling final vs. Kilkenny
12. 'Ger Loughnane was fair, he treated us all the same during training-like dogs' -anonymous Clare hurler
13. 'Any chance of an autograph? Its for the wife...she really hates you' - Tipp fan to Ger Loughnane
14. 'You can't win derbies with donkeys' - Babs Keating before Tipp played Cork in 1990
15. 'Sheep in a heap' -Babs Keating description of Offaly in 1998
16. 'Babs Keating 'resigned' as coach because of illness and fatigue. The players were sick and tired of him' - Offaly fan in 1998
17. 'And as for you. You're not even good enough to play for this shower of useless no-hopers' - Former Clare mentor to one of his subs after a heavy defeat
18. "We've won one All-Ireland in a row" -- Wexford Fan in 1996.
19. 'They have a forward line that couldn't punch holes in a paper bag' - Pat
Spillane on the Cavan football team
20. 'Meath players like to get their
retaliation in first' - Cork fan 1988
21. 'Meath make football a colourful game-you get all black and blue' -another Cork fan 1988
22. 'Colin Corkery is deceptive. He is slower than he looks' - Kerry fan
23. 'Life isn't all beer and football...some of us haven't touched a football in months' - Kerry player during league campaign 1980s
Baite - e.g. "I gave it baite" - I put a fair bit of effort into
it
Stomached - surprised eg. "Jaynie, when he came up behind me I was awful
stomached"
Mighty - very good
Timber - intimidation of a hurling opponent,
"we may have lost but at least we gave 'em timber!"
Welt - swing at
Lamp
- a good thump
A Crowd e.g. "that crowd from Ardrahan are a right shower of
shites"
Schkelp - a good thump
Bullin' - angry. e.g. "the centre half back
was bullin' after I lamped him"
Bull thick - very angry
Joult - a
push
Joshel - a shoulder push
The Comm-it-eeee - Local GAA bullshitters in
general
Bushted - eg. "Jayz me arm is bushted"
Bomber - a very popular
nickname for a GAA player
A hang sangwidge - consumed with tay on the sides
of roads after matches in Croker or Thurles
Citeog - he hit it with his
citeog. ie. left handed/footed
Warp - hit something hard as in "I'll f**kin'
warp you"
Blast - A great amount of anything.
Rake - Also a great amount
of anything, usually pints of Guinness
A Shamozzle - a group of players
shkelpin' one another but not exactly hittin' anyone at the same
time!
Flakin' - usually goes on for a whole game..... e.g. "Jayz Mike Murphy
gave Tony Delaney an awful flakin' below in training on Sunday". To "flake" a
lad for a whole game usually starts off with a bit of the aforementioned
"joshellin'" and "joultin'" and develops into a bit of "weltin'" and may even
result in a good "lampin'" for the victim especially if he gets "bull
thick".
Namajaysus - What was that for, referee?
Ya-bollix-ya - Corner
back's formal recognition of a score by his
opponent
Leh-it-in-ta-fuck-would-ya - Full forward's appeal to a midfielder
for a more timely delivery of the pass
Mullocker - untidy or awkward
players
Horsed - bout of rough play or intimidatory tactics as in ?we horsed
them out of it
Horse - untidy or rough player. There's one in every club (
The Legendary ?Horse? Delaney)
Row - Fight involving four or more players
swinging hurleys like lunatics
Massive Row - Row involving both
team,substitutes and supporters jumping fences
Running Row - A massive row
that continues out in the parking area and/or dressing room areas
"Come up ta
F*ck"- A corner back back trying to rise the ball
"a hape" - A big quantity
(Heap)
"in the paw" - To catch the ball.
"a Brawl" - A collection of
bodies in disagreement with each other.
"a Dinger" - Usually a fast wing
forward who can leave his opponent "for Dust".
"a right C*nt" - The Ref was a
bit biased towards the other team.